I fucking love this chick.

I went for a walk today. It was glorious.

Bought some fabric at the store. God, I love the scrap pile. I got all kinds of good swag from that pile. I'm going to make purses with them, methinks. Even more important than the swag, though, was this black linen that I bought to make a zafu. I'm very excited. For those of you who don't know, a zafu is a cushion that one sits on to do zazen. I've been practicing for over a year now, and I finally decided that I was uncomfortable enough with my pillows and such to go out and get a cushion. I looked online and they're selling them for anywhere between 30 and 70 dollars. Insanity! So I went out and bought some fabric and stuffing and I'm making my own. Cost me $15. Eat that, material culture!

I'm feeling a lot better these last two weeks or so. I think it's because of being back on my feet again. I can walk around and drive to wherever I want. I'm back in class. I feel like a full person again. I'm still keeping an eye on things, though. I don't want to fall back into old habits. But things are looking up.

Right now I'm just focusing on school. I've been going out on dates a little, but I don't really want anything serious to happen because, quite frankly, I have neither the time nor the mental stamina for it. If the other person feels like doing all the work, I'm down. Otherwise, they would be sorely disappointed in my girlfriending abilities.

At any rate, I just thought I'd post and say "hey" to all of you. I know I'm terrible about reading journal entries. Tell me how you all are! Leave me a message here if you want :)

♥♥♥

Yesterday I decided that my broken toe was healed enough for me to get back into the world of physical activity. I stretched thoroughly and took a little walk in the park with my brother and the puppy. Nothing too strenuous. We walked slowly so that I didn't hurt myself. Despite that, it felt glorious. The weather was just biting enough to put some color in my cheeks. When we got home my brother remarked that I looked "vibrant" in a way that I hadn't in a while.

This morning I did yoga, taking care in certain positions not to jar my toe.

I haven't felt this good in weeks. It's fantastic.

It occurs to me that, however minor a broken toe may be, this is the first time that I have seriously hurt any part of my body. I have never before had to deal with recovery time or anything like that. I have never been held back by an injury. It has been strange and frustrating. The odd positions that I have had to take in daily meditations have been drawing my mind back to the fact that I am breakable. It's strange. And uncomfortable. I'm glad that the healing process seems to be almost over. I can even wear normal shoes again! It will be good to have it fully done with.

Your result for The Sweet-Evil Test...

Sweet Seduction

Take The Sweet-Evil Test at HelloQuizzy

This is where I spent my New Years.

Yes, it rocked.

I was kissed more thoroughly on this new years than I have ever been before. There was a limo. And champagne. I don't know what more a girl could want.

On a more somber note that seemed to come out of nowhere moments after I wrote what is above...

Today and yesterday I have been questioning myself. Questioning him. I'm not sure whether or not I can be completely satisfied the way that things are right now. We need to talk. I hate that feeling. That "need to talk" feeling. On the wake of several wonderful weeks, no less. I guess I am just never happy with things the way that they are in the moment.

I've been feeling remorseful and regretful lately. I would like to rewind to when I was in Germany and do some things right. But I can't. And I feel like a callous bitch for having done them wrong in the first place.

This new year is bringing some heavy feelings along with it. Living mindfully sucks.

It's been a weird one. Parts of this year have been confusing. Almost all of it has been difficult in one way or another.

Romantically I don't know exactly what to say about the whole thing. I managed to get my heart broken twice this year, which I think might be a record of some kind, even for me. But then I never was able to keep it in my pants. I'm ending the year in a pretty good place, heart-wise. I have certainly trusted it to worse people, but there have been very few better deserving of it.

Revelations as far as my career path notwithstanding, it's been a fairly smooth year for the most part. I saw two new countries, which is all anyone can really ask of a year, honestly. And though this year will not bring any new countries to my doorstep (at least, I don't plan on it doing so), it will be the last of my undergraduate career, which is very exciting!

I've lost a considerable amount of weight this year, also! Almost 20 pounds now, although I think I gained a little during the holiday craziness. Tomorrow I will be getting back to my workout routine, though, which should put me back on track. With a good amount of dedication and perseverance, I should be able to wear the bikini in my closet for the first time this summer. Exciting!

I'm beginning 2009 with a lovely boyfriend, a new job, and several goals for myself for the end of the next year. Graduate school applications, graduation, weight loss and moving downtown are all my big plans for this year.

Best of luck to all of you with your goals and I hope you all have fun tonight. Get drunk with people you love. Ring in the new year doing something incredible.

The History Channel has a documentary on right now called Sex in the Real West about prostitution in the American West.

WIN.

Seriously.

Total WIN.

So for those of you who were able to read my last entry, I just thought you should know that I told him. He was just as good about it as we all knew he would be. I seriously need to kick Butters' ass for making me freak out so badly. If I'd had my druthers, he would have found out a little later, when I felt more comfortable. But oh well, that's over now.

Now, on to something else.

I had the strangest round of nightmares last night

My job is hell. I seriously hate working for Sean. Every time I turn around he's telling us how we have to be more dedicated to the restaurant. Meanwhile, he comes in to host, gets drunk and wanders away from the host stand to eat a steak dinner in the middle of a busy Friday night dinner service, fights with his wife and pisses off whenever he damn well feels like it. How can he ask us to be dedicated when the best he can manage is that? My favorite thing lately is when he turned to me and said he was tired of paying workers comp for people cutting their fingers and having to go to the hospital or getting concussions. I don't know if I wrote about this here, but apparently when I was on haitus for however long, Sean had a drunken fight with his wife and started throwing pint glasses at a wall. Scott got in the way of one of his throws, got a concussion and had to be driven to the hospital to get five stitches in his head. And Sean is seriously COMPLAINING about having to pay his hospital bills!!!!!! If it had been me, I would have called the cops, filed a report and pressed charges. He's lucky Scott was a spineless little wanker.

Lately the thing that's been making me especially crazy about Sean (aside from the drunken disorderly irresponsible wanker stuff) is that he has this fabulous policy where no employee can have the night off without getting a shift covered. Now, in any normal restaurant I would say that this was a normal request, even a reasonable one. But we have a very small staff and, on any given Friday or Saturday night, everyone who can work, is working. So when you want a Friday or Saturday off, you're pretty much shit out of luck unless the grace of God shines down on you from the heavens and grants you some kind of celestial reprieve. Speaking as a Buddhist/atheist, that doesn't bode well for me. So I have tickets to a one night only showing of Springs Awakening this coming Saturday and I need the night off. Not only do we have our usual cadre of people working (i.e. everyone), but two people are also on vacation and still two more have school dances that night. NO ONE can work for me. I offered Sean a solution that involved one of the hostesses serving for me while he hosted for her, and he blew me off. Yes, the concept of him doing any actual WORK is just an unacceptable solution.

God, I hate this restaurant. I am currently looking for another job so that I can give my two weeks on the 17th. Two weeks before New Years. I am going to leave them so far in the lurch that there will be no way of them getting out of it. And I don't feel at all badly. They treat me like some kind of mindless slave and then expect me to go out of my way for them and run to the store in the middle of service for whateverthefuck we have run out of that night. I used to do it gladly, but now whenever they ask me for a favor like that I just find myself thinking of how often the management at this place has done favors for ME, and I get angry.

Wow... that was a massive rant. But it needed to be said, I suppose. I'm actually starting to feel really stressed because I am looking for another job to start after the holidays, but the market is shit. I really don't want to have to work New Years Eve (until 3 am) AND New Years Day because Sean such is an unconscionable prick that he thinks we need every single person on staff for both of those nights. Oh, and his best little management decision to date was telling us that we were all going to be expected to work Thanksgiving Day and Christmas Day next year because, get this, they both fall on Fridays......................................

I have to get the FUCK out of there.

Things that I am thankful for this year.

The continued health of my family.

The opportunity to travel abroad and learn German.

More than anything else, how much my life has gotten itself together in the last year or so. Decisions have been made and my life has taken a serious turn.

I am especially thankful this year for some of the wonderful new people who have come into my life.

As a really important side note to this entry, something very important from the world of international politics. Read this. It's very exciting.

because they're so damn fun.

Your result for The OkCupid Kissing Test...

The Real Deal

You are 61% Passionate, 45% Romantic, and 53% Experienced!

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So I've been sick for two weeks, but now I have an earache and no voice. I can't stop coughing. Also, I have pinkeye. Thankfully, it's only in my left eye, but STILL.

I swear, I can't have one good thing happen to me without having TEN bad ones happen.

Really I think that I've just run my immune system into the ground with excessive work and no sleep or rest of any kind. I'm always running from work to school to home to hanging out. So now I am banned from physical exertion, which is probably for the best.

*dies*

This morning I looked at my cell phone to see what time it was and dropped it in a cup of water. Not just any cup, mind you, but the SMALLEST CUP EVER. A juice cup, pretty much. Mike has decided that I have lost all water privileges. I cannot help but agree. This is the third cell phone of mine that has gone on to sleep with the fishes.

Also, Mike and I talked last night. We decided that we are both scared and nervous. He hasn't been a "boyfriend" since before he started dating Lauren (his soon-to-be-ex-wife) and I haven't had a relationship like the one that we seem to be developing since... ever? Maybe high school? But even that wasn't quite the same because Jon lived 45 minutes away or more most of that time and Mike is 15 or 20 minutes away at the most. Having someone that is that close to you, who can be that intimately connected with your life because of that proximity... It's strange. I brought up last night that I like to know where I stand in relationships. We talked about it and he said that he would love to be my boyfriend. So, long story short (too late, I know) as of last night/this morning, I have a boyfriend! I don't think that much will change as compared with our behavior towards each other. More than anything, it just makes me feel more relaxed and secure.

But yes. Today is a good day. He is wonderful in so many ways. I am very happy :D

So I've been seeing this guy who is friends with people that I work with. His name is Mike. I really, really, really like him.

We get along great. He makes me smile. He's a total gentleman and all that wonderful stuff. He treats me really well. I love making him smile :)

The only complication is that he is going through a divorce, which is icky. It's not even the divorce itself, though that is stressful for him, I'm sure. It's really not even his soon-to-be-ex-wife, though she is a mental case. The problem is that going through this divorce makes him reticent to jump into a new relationship too soon. It's understandable, but it puts me in a very awkward position. I like him, but I feel like I need the security that the "girlfriend" "boyfriend" labels give me.

Is it weird that I need that kind of affirmation? I just don't like hanging out in this strange sort of vacuum. I feel like, at any moment, he could turn around and tell me that it's too much work for him and just shove off. Meanwhile, I'm having all these feelings for him that I can't very well just turn off.

I don't know. It's making me feel kind of lame and girly. I suppose I should be used to that by now, though. I am not much more than a sentimental fluff at the best of times.

Anyway, I just wanted to get that out there. Please, all of you, do me the favor of not replying to this post with a "be careful." EVERYONE has been saying that recently, and it's making me insane. I will be as careful as possible, given the circumstances. It's hard to be careful when emotion is involved, though.