I fucking love this chick.

Yesterday I decided that my broken toe was healed enough for me to get back into the world of physical activity. I stretched thoroughly and took a little walk in the park with my brother and the puppy. Nothing too strenuous. We walked slowly so that I didn't hurt myself. Despite that, it felt glorious. The weather was just biting enough to put some color in my cheeks. When we got home my brother remarked that I looked "vibrant" in a way that I hadn't in a while.

This morning I did yoga, taking care in certain positions not to jar my toe.

I haven't felt this good in weeks. It's fantastic.

It occurs to me that, however minor a broken toe may be, this is the first time that I have seriously hurt any part of my body. I have never before had to deal with recovery time or anything like that. I have never been held back by an injury. It has been strange and frustrating. The odd positions that I have had to take in daily meditations have been drawing my mind back to the fact that I am breakable. It's strange. And uncomfortable. I'm glad that the healing process seems to be almost over. I can even wear normal shoes again! It will be good to have it fully done with.

Your result for The Sweet-Evil Test...

Sweet Seduction

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This is where I spent my New Years.

Yes, it rocked.

I was kissed more thoroughly on this new years than I have ever been before. There was a limo. And champagne. I don't know what more a girl could want.

On a more somber note that seemed to come out of nowhere moments after I wrote what is above...

Today and yesterday I have been questioning myself. Questioning him. I'm not sure whether or not I can be completely satisfied the way that things are right now. We need to talk. I hate that feeling. That "need to talk" feeling. On the wake of several wonderful weeks, no less. I guess I am just never happy with things the way that they are in the moment.

I've been feeling remorseful and regretful lately. I would like to rewind to when I was in Germany and do some things right. But I can't. And I feel like a callous bitch for having done them wrong in the first place.

This new year is bringing some heavy feelings along with it. Living mindfully sucks.

The History Channel has a documentary on right now called Sex in the Real West about prostitution in the American West.

WIN.

Seriously.

Total WIN.

So for those of you who were able to read my last entry, I just thought you should know that I told him. He was just as good about it as we all knew he would be. I seriously need to kick Butters' ass for making me freak out so badly. If I'd had my druthers, he would have found out a little later, when I felt more comfortable. But oh well, that's over now.

Now, on to something else.

I had the strangest round of nightmares last night

My job is hell. I seriously hate working for Sean. Every time I turn around he's telling us how we have to be more dedicated to the restaurant. Meanwhile, he comes in to host, gets drunk and wanders away from the host stand to eat a steak dinner in the middle of a busy Friday night dinner service, fights with his wife and pisses off whenever he damn well feels like it. How can he ask us to be dedicated when the best he can manage is that? My favorite thing lately is when he turned to me and said he was tired of paying workers comp for people cutting their fingers and having to go to the hospital or getting concussions. I don't know if I wrote about this here, but apparently when I was on haitus for however long, Sean had a drunken fight with his wife and started throwing pint glasses at a wall. Scott got in the way of one of his throws, got a concussion and had to be driven to the hospital to get five stitches in his head. And Sean is seriously COMPLAINING about having to pay his hospital bills!!!!!! If it had been me, I would have called the cops, filed a report and pressed charges. He's lucky Scott was a spineless little wanker.

Lately the thing that's been making me especially crazy about Sean (aside from the drunken disorderly irresponsible wanker stuff) is that he has this fabulous policy where no employee can have the night off without getting a shift covered. Now, in any normal restaurant I would say that this was a normal request, even a reasonable one. But we have a very small staff and, on any given Friday or Saturday night, everyone who can work, is working. So when you want a Friday or Saturday off, you're pretty much shit out of luck unless the grace of God shines down on you from the heavens and grants you some kind of celestial reprieve. Speaking as a Buddhist/atheist, that doesn't bode well for me. So I have tickets to a one night only showing of Springs Awakening this coming Saturday and I need the night off. Not only do we have our usual cadre of people working (i.e. everyone), but two people are also on vacation and still two more have school dances that night. NO ONE can work for me. I offered Sean a solution that involved one of the hostesses serving for me while he hosted for her, and he blew me off. Yes, the concept of him doing any actual WORK is just an unacceptable solution.

God, I hate this restaurant. I am currently looking for another job so that I can give my two weeks on the 17th. Two weeks before New Years. I am going to leave them so far in the lurch that there will be no way of them getting out of it. And I don't feel at all badly. They treat me like some kind of mindless slave and then expect me to go out of my way for them and run to the store in the middle of service for whateverthefuck we have run out of that night. I used to do it gladly, but now whenever they ask me for a favor like that I just find myself thinking of how often the management at this place has done favors for ME, and I get angry.

Wow... that was a massive rant. But it needed to be said, I suppose. I'm actually starting to feel really stressed because I am looking for another job to start after the holidays, but the market is shit. I really don't want to have to work New Years Eve (until 3 am) AND New Years Day because Sean such is an unconscionable prick that he thinks we need every single person on staff for both of those nights. Oh, and his best little management decision to date was telling us that we were all going to be expected to work Thanksgiving Day and Christmas Day next year because, get this, they both fall on Fridays......................................

I have to get the FUCK out of there.

Things that I am thankful for this year.

The continued health of my family.

The opportunity to travel abroad and learn German.

More than anything else, how much my life has gotten itself together in the last year or so. Decisions have been made and my life has taken a serious turn.

I am especially thankful this year for some of the wonderful new people who have come into my life.

As a really important side note to this entry, something very important from the world of international politics. Read this. It's very exciting.

because they're so damn fun.

Your result for The OkCupid Kissing Test...

The Real Deal

You are 61% Passionate, 45% Romantic, and 53% Experienced!

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So I've been sick for two weeks, but now I have an earache and no voice. I can't stop coughing. Also, I have pinkeye. Thankfully, it's only in my left eye, but STILL.

I swear, I can't have one good thing happen to me without having TEN bad ones happen.

Really I think that I've just run my immune system into the ground with excessive work and no sleep or rest of any kind. I'm always running from work to school to home to hanging out. So now I am banned from physical exertion, which is probably for the best.

*dies*

The last time I saw Richard was Detroit in 68,
And he told me all romantics meet the same fate someday
Cynical and drunk and boring someone in some dark cafe
You laugh, he said you think you're immune, go look at your eyes
They're full of moon
You like roses and kisses and pretty men to tell you
All those pretty lies, pretty lies
When you gonna realize they're only pretty lies
Only pretty lies, just pretty lies

He put a quarter in the Wurlitzer, and he pushed
Three buttons and the thing began to whir
And a bar maid came by in fishnet stockings and a bow tie
And she said drink up now its gettin' on time to close.
Richard, you haven't really changed, I said
Its just that now you're romanticizing some pain that's in your head
You got tombs in your eyes, but the songs
You punched are dreaming
Listen, they sing of love so sweet, love so sweet
When you gonna get yourself back on your feet?
Oh and love can be so sweet, love so sweet

Richard got married to a figure skater
And he bought her a dishwasher and a coffee percolator
And he drinks at home now most nights with the tv on
And all the house lights left up bright
I'm gonna blow this damn candle out
I don't want nobody comin' over to my table
I got nothing to talk to anybody about
All good dreamers pass this way some day
Hidin' behind bottles in dark cafes
Dark cafes
Only a dark cocoon before I get my gorgeous wings
And fly away
Only a phase, these dark cafe days

And it seems somewhat appropriate tonight for some reason.

"The truth is you can be orphaned again and again and again.
The truth is, you will be.
And the secret is, this will hurt less and less each time until you can't feel a thing.
Trust me on this."
-Chuck Palahniuk

I think the thing that I hate about Chuck is that I hope that he is wrong, but I know that he is right. Being angry with him is like being mad at an uncomfortable truth. There's just no point in being angry with it, but it makes you feel a little bit better.

Anyway, I just thought I would share.

The Phillies are actually winning something, which in itself would not be a harbinger.

But when I woke up and saw this, I knew it was the end times.

( O.o )